His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
