Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
