like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
