i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
