Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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