just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
