recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize