I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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