I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
