I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
