i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
