Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
