I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
