The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
