No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
