His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Terrible idea I love it
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
