Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
