he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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