Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
