I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
