it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
