just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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