Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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