so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I supernannyed him into submission
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
