If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
