I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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