I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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