I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
