I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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