Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
