The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
