I wish I only lived at night.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
