i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I did not marry a roomba.
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