Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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