i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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