Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
