1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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