I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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