I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
