apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
