Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
