Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
