I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize