the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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