Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize