Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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