i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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