Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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