dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
