i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just high enough for therapy.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We're too hungover to prance.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
