exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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