I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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