My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
