Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
