I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
