if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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