My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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